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I can't tell you how it started, because honestly, I'm not sure how my obsession with horses began. It's been my gift, as well as my curse. As I was growing up, yes, I was one of those kids who begged for a horse every Christmas and birthday. I collected every book I could get my hands on, drinking it up as if I would never get a chance. I got that chance.
I also became afraid of the very animal I worship. Somehow between the lines of riding a horses every time it presented it's self, and bringing my own home, I lost my fearlessness. I can hardly explain it. But despite my, throat tightening, hard to swallow expiriences, I still fell in love.
Her name, Showdown Valentine. She's my stocky sorrel mare, my salvation and my problem child all at once. Out of the four horses that my step father owns, she is the eldest at the age of 10. She's also the most dominant one, the lead mare who wont quit until the others understand that this is her world, they just reside in it. She's prissy, hard to catch when you bring out that halter, and has just as much problems as I do. Like me she gets nervous easily, and for some reason is the most accident prone out of the four. When I confess my undying love for "Shadow." people shake their heads and tell me, "She's not for you. You need a more suitable horse." Somehow they miss how she behaves with me. I dread feeding time, it becomes a frenzy with horses fighting over each other just to get to me, as I'm carrying the bucket into the barn. Their squabbles are unnerving. But where is shadow? In her stall...waiting. When the horses are being groomed and their fidgeting on their lead ropes, causing me to hold my breath, Shadow is still.
She acts up, I'll admit, but when I have to handle her, she has always behaved for me.
I had not once in my life, seen a horse's tears. She showed me that. After she was bought from an Auction, we immediately rode her. My little brother rode her, there wasn't a problem. When it was my turn, I was nervous. Sweaty palms, butterflies in the gut, the works. I have a small problem, I wouldn't call it a disability, I just call it a challenge, I have a foot that is crooked, so it' makes mounting a little difficult and at times painful. It can be a pain in the ass, but if a doctor were to want to operate I'd probably would tell him it's too late. I've lived with it all my life, I'm used to it and it's apart of me, but it doesn't make me who I am. Well, I put my foot in the stirrup. Eh. No big deal, But as I went to swing my leg over, the heel of my boot kicked her square in the flank. She crow hopped, once, twice, and with one good buck I went flying off. I don't remember hitting the ground, but I do remember the pain afterward. Anyone who has landed on dry hard clay knows what I'm talking about. And I did the dumbest thing I could ever do. I didn't get back on.
It was a couple days later, shadow was saddle again, ridden around in the round pen, and I was asked if I'd like to ride. I stared at her from between the cold green panels, watching her look at me just as curiously. Part of me wanted to, but I shook my head and chickened out. Again. Stupid on my part. But then I saw them, these silvery large tears, falling from her big brown eyes. It killed me. I felt as though I had hurt her in someway. I later learned that her former owner had her for his daughter, who was around my own age, to show but She decided she wanted something else. It was then, I think that I decided that I wanted her.
I've ridden her a handful of times since then. They would only be 20 minuets or so before I could no longer bare my nervousness, but would be proud of myself that I had done it and couldn't wait to do it again. But then Shadow and her accident loving self, had had an accident. It's been a couple of months now.
But today, my Showdown Valentine was able to put a grin on my face. My brother and some friends decided to go riding down the street. They had a girl with them who had never ridden before, They started her out of cherry, a Zan par mare we have who does extremely well, but she does not give me that trusting 'Vibe" that I get from Shadow, so I myself have never ridden her, though many have told me I should. My brother was on shadow, thinking that she would be as difficult to ride as she had been to catch this morning after months of not being ridden. The hours went by, and my brother and his friends came trotting up the drive. But lo' and behold, my brother wasn't the one riding shadow, but the girl who had no experience at all.
According to my brother, Cherry was acting very sorely and attacking and kicking at the other horses (This usually isn't like her, even I will say that.), terrifying the new rider to the point my brother had to to switch horses with her. Shadow was the best behaved horse out of the bunch!
I just grinned. I couldn't help it. I've planed to take her out this weekend when the weather is nicer. Despite how that scares me, I can't wait. How strange is that? I learned a few hours ago, that Shadow had been shown. I'm not sure in what, so as I dig through AQHA to find the answers, I've given the pair of us a goal. I would love to compete in a show with her. I'd be happy just to be able to participate in an open trail class with her. So I suppose This is what this blog is for. A map of our journey to that point. A point to where I can stop doubting what I know and a point we can act more like a team. I don't look for prizes or ribbons, because I know if I was to make it to that stage, I would have found my way back to the saddle, and that would be enough for me.
I also became afraid of the very animal I worship. Somehow between the lines of riding a horses every time it presented it's self, and bringing my own home, I lost my fearlessness. I can hardly explain it. But despite my, throat tightening, hard to swallow expiriences, I still fell in love.
Her name, Showdown Valentine. She's my stocky sorrel mare, my salvation and my problem child all at once. Out of the four horses that my step father owns, she is the eldest at the age of 10. She's also the most dominant one, the lead mare who wont quit until the others understand that this is her world, they just reside in it. She's prissy, hard to catch when you bring out that halter, and has just as much problems as I do. Like me she gets nervous easily, and for some reason is the most accident prone out of the four. When I confess my undying love for "Shadow." people shake their heads and tell me, "She's not for you. You need a more suitable horse." Somehow they miss how she behaves with me. I dread feeding time, it becomes a frenzy with horses fighting over each other just to get to me, as I'm carrying the bucket into the barn. Their squabbles are unnerving. But where is shadow? In her stall...waiting. When the horses are being groomed and their fidgeting on their lead ropes, causing me to hold my breath, Shadow is still.
She acts up, I'll admit, but when I have to handle her, she has always behaved for me.
I had not once in my life, seen a horse's tears. She showed me that. After she was bought from an Auction, we immediately rode her. My little brother rode her, there wasn't a problem. When it was my turn, I was nervous. Sweaty palms, butterflies in the gut, the works. I have a small problem, I wouldn't call it a disability, I just call it a challenge, I have a foot that is crooked, so it' makes mounting a little difficult and at times painful. It can be a pain in the ass, but if a doctor were to want to operate I'd probably would tell him it's too late. I've lived with it all my life, I'm used to it and it's apart of me, but it doesn't make me who I am. Well, I put my foot in the stirrup. Eh. No big deal, But as I went to swing my leg over, the heel of my boot kicked her square in the flank. She crow hopped, once, twice, and with one good buck I went flying off. I don't remember hitting the ground, but I do remember the pain afterward. Anyone who has landed on dry hard clay knows what I'm talking about. And I did the dumbest thing I could ever do. I didn't get back on.
It was a couple days later, shadow was saddle again, ridden around in the round pen, and I was asked if I'd like to ride. I stared at her from between the cold green panels, watching her look at me just as curiously. Part of me wanted to, but I shook my head and chickened out. Again. Stupid on my part. But then I saw them, these silvery large tears, falling from her big brown eyes. It killed me. I felt as though I had hurt her in someway. I later learned that her former owner had her for his daughter, who was around my own age, to show but She decided she wanted something else. It was then, I think that I decided that I wanted her.
I've ridden her a handful of times since then. They would only be 20 minuets or so before I could no longer bare my nervousness, but would be proud of myself that I had done it and couldn't wait to do it again. But then Shadow and her accident loving self, had had an accident. It's been a couple of months now.
But today, my Showdown Valentine was able to put a grin on my face. My brother and some friends decided to go riding down the street. They had a girl with them who had never ridden before, They started her out of cherry, a Zan par mare we have who does extremely well, but she does not give me that trusting 'Vibe" that I get from Shadow, so I myself have never ridden her, though many have told me I should. My brother was on shadow, thinking that she would be as difficult to ride as she had been to catch this morning after months of not being ridden. The hours went by, and my brother and his friends came trotting up the drive. But lo' and behold, my brother wasn't the one riding shadow, but the girl who had no experience at all.
According to my brother, Cherry was acting very sorely and attacking and kicking at the other horses (This usually isn't like her, even I will say that.), terrifying the new rider to the point my brother had to to switch horses with her. Shadow was the best behaved horse out of the bunch!
I just grinned. I couldn't help it. I've planed to take her out this weekend when the weather is nicer. Despite how that scares me, I can't wait. How strange is that? I learned a few hours ago, that Shadow had been shown. I'm not sure in what, so as I dig through AQHA to find the answers, I've given the pair of us a goal. I would love to compete in a show with her. I'd be happy just to be able to participate in an open trail class with her. So I suppose This is what this blog is for. A map of our journey to that point. A point to where I can stop doubting what I know and a point we can act more like a team. I don't look for prizes or ribbons, because I know if I was to make it to that stage, I would have found my way back to the saddle, and that would be enough for me.
1 comment:
Conquering fear is hard. I am working on it myself. The main thing to remember is what Courage is. Courage is not an absence of fear, but a conviction that the end result is worth pushing on through the fear.
You have the perfect horse for you, I think, she may not be right for everyone, but she is there for you, she knows what you need from her, and she is willing to give it.
I have been afraid for much of my life, and yes, I still am. But like you, I have decided to live in spite of the fear, whether it ever goes away or not. That is courage from both of us. And with that courage, success is possible.
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